Silver Linings--part three

What did I get out of the lockdown? Some sudden inspiration which made me realize that everything made sense? I wish! The first few weeks I met a feeling known as resistance, except that it did not introduce itself as such. I accepted the governor’s decision to shelter at home. I didn’t see any other option. I supported it. However, all of a sudden I had to change everything. The activities I was used to were taken away from me: the rehearsal of the play we had been working on, my twenty years of involvement with the homeless community, many spiritual activities connected with the Spiritualist church—classes and workshops—and my thirty years of women’s book club. When everything was done and said, what was left for me? The first thing that I needed to do was to temporarily let go of my cleaning lady. And then what? The horror. I needed to clean my house myself. Nothing wrong with that, except that I had not done it for decades. Meanwhile my house had grown, not so much in size as in clutter. I spent two weeks giving myself a discipline, a timetable. Everything had to go, everything had to be cleaned. It didn’t happen. I suddenly felt exhausted and paralyzed. I made myself exhausted. It took me a while to realize it. The pressure I was putting on myself exhausted me. I met a new being who had been living inside of my psyche unbeknown to me. I met the monster, the disciplinarian who was driving me, making impossible requests. It dawned on me that I needed to take back her authority, her power over me or else. Yes, the house had to be cleaned, reorganized and simplified, but it had to happen at my own pace. I needed to recognize my priorities and honor them. What was coming first? Writing? Publishing? Taking care of my health? Yes, all of the above. And what about the house? Sure, that too, but at a slower and more comfortable pace. And no guilt feelings. To be continued.